If I Were President by Bob Miller

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If I Were President by Bob Miller

Okay, if I were elected president, after being sword in I'd say, "Sorry, but the party is over. Starting today we will have term limits. We will have a flat tax rate that everyone, including God, will pay based on his or her income. We will have the cleanest and safest country in the world. Now it really doesn't matter to me if you decide to remain here in the U.S. or leave. We will buy those of you who don't like rules and laws that are enforced to the letter a ticket to wherever you want to go, a one-way ticket.

The man to my right is Attorney General Roy Bean. He's been called the meanest judge there ever was. He hates crooks, especially white collar ones. Trust me; you do not ever want him to hear your name.

The man to his right is High Sherriff Matt Dillon. He's the top law enforcement officer in the U.S. and he hates all crooks. He has already established electrical power plant work farms around the country and anyone, and I do mean anyone…Mr. Banker, Honorable Senator, your Holiness… who draws a sentence for a crime large or small will be sent to one of his farms. In other words, every prisoner will work 6 days a week on a farm.

The guy to my left is Mr. Leroy Brown. He is the top boss of all our now combined intelligence agencies. The only thing I can tell you about him is he makes triple sure a person is a terrorist, and then he has the entire family killed.

The guy on his left is a five star general who is named after a relative and a WWII hero, George Patton. His Medal of Honor wasn't obtained by political bullshit or one act. We absolutely cannot send him to invade another country unless of course they have physically attacked us because, he will, in 90 days or less, kill every two legged animal in that country and most of the four legged ones. Oh yes, the general is an Atheist, so I can't call him my God and Country general, but I can tell you he is eaten up with Old Glory. He will have huge American flags flying everywhere in that country. The cost for the flags alone would be staggering.

The last person I'll introduce to you today is truly the baddest badass of them all. He makes Mr. Brown and Gen. Patton look like guys you'd like to have move next door. Both his brother and uncle had everything they owned confiscated and are now serving life sentences for income tax evasion and misuse of corporate funds. His name is Mr. Edward Scrooge, and he will be the overseer of the IRS, SEC, and the General Accounting Office.

In closing my fellow Americans, you can work for yourself or you can work for Mr. Leroy Brown. The choice is yours, but you will be productive. And while you're at work, I'll be seeing to it that the new slogan on our money is true. "Backed By The Gold That's Now Back In Ft. Knox"